Alrighty friends,
I've got a summer barbecue tonight at 6 and I'm not going to get off from work until well after 5:00. So, this afternoon, I'm going to whip up a right tasty dessert that should tickle and tantalize the tastebuds and involves no torting, no buttercream, no parchment paper. hmmmm.... should be good.
More soon.
CB
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
FUCK YEAH CHOCOLATE CAKE
I told you I would do a cake a week. This week was definitely not easy, as I was traveling on business for three days, busy days at the office, rehearsals at night. Whew... It's gonna get worse before it gets better, but we got a fucking cake MADE!
So, I've got a confession to make. I've never made a chocolate cake before. When I'm baking I tend to stay in my comfort zone. Deliciously flavored pound cakes (flavors varying to my needs) iced with some form of buttercream or shortening based frosting. Tough to go wrong with that formula. Winner everytime and eyes tend to roll back in folks head as they throw on an O face with every bite. Yeah, it's that good. I've invoked the O face.
So, this past Christmas I was introduced to these right tasty oreo truffle deals. The premise is simple. Package of Oreos ground up, mixed with a block of cream cheese, and then balled up and dipped in candy chocolate. So really rich and oreo-y bon bons. I was traveling with a colleague who had said that he had some cake that a relative had made that had the oreo-cream cheese mixture in a chocolate cake. WORKS FOR ME.
So for Swee Pea's birthday this year I made my first batch of white chocolate butter cream, for her cake, and it WAS nice. I wouldn't throw it out all over the place, but for a raspberry filled cake (as her's was), it's a really good compliment.
So, chocolate cake, oreo truffle, white chocolate buttercream. Will it be a recipe for disaster or a epic winning?
So start off with your basic cake recipe.
"Best G*d Damned Chocolate Cake Ever"
2 cups white sugar
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup boiling water
Preheat your oven to 350. Prepare your pans. Wear fucking protection...
Mix all of your dry ingredients together. I just literally throw them in the bowl and give it a couple of turns with ol' whisk...
Add your wet ingredients one by one, until you get to the hot water. Before you add your water, it's looking pretty good, nice thick batter. Then you add a cup of BOILING water to the batter. It turns to fucking soup. Seriously. Shit's like thin pancake batter. DON'T WIG OUT. If CB says its okay, then it's okay. Roll with it and pour that bitch into your two prepared 9" pans. I would also recommend putting your pans on a cookie sheet. Once this shit starts rising in the oven, I thought for sure it was going to over flow. They didn't, but better safe then sorry. I spilled a chocolate chess pie in the oven once. I DO NOT want to have to clean like that again.
So 30-35 minutes later in the oven, and this is what you've got. SWEEEET.
Stick a toothpick in em, if they are clean, they are DONE.
Now, I think I'm either really going to need to get away from my cooking spray (or keep a bottle of baker's joy at the house). Because these cakes didn't come out of the pan nearly as nice as I wanted them to.
So from here I went ahead and made my truffle filling. SIMPLEST fucking thing ever. 1 8oz block of cream cheese, 1 package of oreos. Get your food processor, put in oreos. Turn it on. Remove crumbs to your stand mixer (you went to BB&B and bought one, didn't you?). Add a block of cream cheese. Blend till you can't see any cream cheese and the mixture looks like a big black turd.
The evidence:
Literally the best shit you will ever eat.
Ok. I've got a great friend (and awesome baker/pastry chef) over at accidentalpc.blogspot.com. She is my go to gal when I've gotten lost or can't quite figure out how to do something. The other day we had lunch and she gave me the courage to try TORTING!.
So, if you are a beginner like me she recommend the following method. Cake on a turntable, 2 toothpicks around the edge of each quarter acting as a guide to where you are going to: like so...
Here is a serrated knife. you should use it to cut the fucking tortes. like so...
Done. Do this on two cakes and know what you'll get? THREE AMAZING layers to put your delicious truffle filling. I'm sure it would be good with the truffle filling in one layer, but it is SMOKING HOT with three layers of this.
So, from here you assemble. Layer of cake, layer of truffle (I tried spreading it with my "spatchular" but it is way to dense. I ended up putting spoonfuls on the cake and using my fingers. They were clean. I didn't feel bad doing it) Another layer of cake on top of that, another layer of truffle, another layer of cake, another layer of truffle, then finish her off with the last layer of cake.
My white chocolate buttercream is super simple too.
Melt a 12 oz bag of white chocolate chips/morsels. You can double boil it, but how fucking easy is it to throw them in a microwave safe bowl and heat for 30 seconds on 70% power, stir, heat for 20 seconds on 50% power, and then additional time as necessary to melt. Fucking SIMPLE.
So, in your stand mixer mix a stick of butter and about 1 lb of confectioner's (powdered) sugar. Add a splash of milk or cream if it is getting too "tight". from here I like to add the melted chocolate. Blend and then slowly add additional sugar (about another pound) and milk as necessary to achieve your frosting. I made mine a little too tight and it really tore my cake up when crumbcoating.
Crumbcoat it, let it sit (you can throw it in the fridge for 30 minutes to really get the frosting to set up hard. (yes I have used the phrase HARD and O-FACE in the same post) Then put your finish icing on.
I decided I didn't have time to do much decoration for this one, so I just smoothed it out.
CB's two favorite things. "Fuck Yeah Chocolate Cake" and Yuengling.
Mrs. CB (who said that last week's strawberry cake was the best cake she had ever eaten) said that this cake is by far the best cake she is ever eaten. And she is a hard woman to please. We brought the cake to dinner with a large group of theatre friends, and the amount of "Oh My GOD's" at the table was quite fulfilling. Make this cake, RIGHT NOW. You won't regret it.
CB
So, I've got a confession to make. I've never made a chocolate cake before. When I'm baking I tend to stay in my comfort zone. Deliciously flavored pound cakes (flavors varying to my needs) iced with some form of buttercream or shortening based frosting. Tough to go wrong with that formula. Winner everytime and eyes tend to roll back in folks head as they throw on an O face with every bite. Yeah, it's that good. I've invoked the O face.
So, this past Christmas I was introduced to these right tasty oreo truffle deals. The premise is simple. Package of Oreos ground up, mixed with a block of cream cheese, and then balled up and dipped in candy chocolate. So really rich and oreo-y bon bons. I was traveling with a colleague who had said that he had some cake that a relative had made that had the oreo-cream cheese mixture in a chocolate cake. WORKS FOR ME.
So for Swee Pea's birthday this year I made my first batch of white chocolate butter cream, for her cake, and it WAS nice. I wouldn't throw it out all over the place, but for a raspberry filled cake (as her's was), it's a really good compliment.
So, chocolate cake, oreo truffle, white chocolate buttercream. Will it be a recipe for disaster or a epic winning?
So start off with your basic cake recipe.
"Best G*d Damned Chocolate Cake Ever"
2 cups white sugar
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup boiling water
Preheat your oven to 350. Prepare your pans. Wear fucking protection...
Mix all of your dry ingredients together. I just literally throw them in the bowl and give it a couple of turns with ol' whisk...
Add your wet ingredients one by one, until you get to the hot water. Before you add your water, it's looking pretty good, nice thick batter. Then you add a cup of BOILING water to the batter. It turns to fucking soup. Seriously. Shit's like thin pancake batter. DON'T WIG OUT. If CB says its okay, then it's okay. Roll with it and pour that bitch into your two prepared 9" pans. I would also recommend putting your pans on a cookie sheet. Once this shit starts rising in the oven, I thought for sure it was going to over flow. They didn't, but better safe then sorry. I spilled a chocolate chess pie in the oven once. I DO NOT want to have to clean like that again.
So 30-35 minutes later in the oven, and this is what you've got. SWEEEET.
Stick a toothpick in em, if they are clean, they are DONE.
Now, I think I'm either really going to need to get away from my cooking spray (or keep a bottle of baker's joy at the house). Because these cakes didn't come out of the pan nearly as nice as I wanted them to.
So from here I went ahead and made my truffle filling. SIMPLEST fucking thing ever. 1 8oz block of cream cheese, 1 package of oreos. Get your food processor, put in oreos. Turn it on. Remove crumbs to your stand mixer (you went to BB&B and bought one, didn't you?). Add a block of cream cheese. Blend till you can't see any cream cheese and the mixture looks like a big black turd.
The evidence:
Literally the best shit you will ever eat.
Ok. I've got a great friend (and awesome baker/pastry chef) over at accidentalpc.blogspot.com. She is my go to gal when I've gotten lost or can't quite figure out how to do something. The other day we had lunch and she gave me the courage to try TORTING!.
So, if you are a beginner like me she recommend the following method. Cake on a turntable, 2 toothpicks around the edge of each quarter acting as a guide to where you are going to: like so...
Here is a serrated knife. you should use it to cut the fucking tortes. like so...
Done. Do this on two cakes and know what you'll get? THREE AMAZING layers to put your delicious truffle filling. I'm sure it would be good with the truffle filling in one layer, but it is SMOKING HOT with three layers of this.
So, from here you assemble. Layer of cake, layer of truffle (I tried spreading it with my "spatchular" but it is way to dense. I ended up putting spoonfuls on the cake and using my fingers. They were clean. I didn't feel bad doing it) Another layer of cake on top of that, another layer of truffle, another layer of cake, another layer of truffle, then finish her off with the last layer of cake.
My white chocolate buttercream is super simple too.
Melt a 12 oz bag of white chocolate chips/morsels. You can double boil it, but how fucking easy is it to throw them in a microwave safe bowl and heat for 30 seconds on 70% power, stir, heat for 20 seconds on 50% power, and then additional time as necessary to melt. Fucking SIMPLE.
So, in your stand mixer mix a stick of butter and about 1 lb of confectioner's (powdered) sugar. Add a splash of milk or cream if it is getting too "tight". from here I like to add the melted chocolate. Blend and then slowly add additional sugar (about another pound) and milk as necessary to achieve your frosting. I made mine a little too tight and it really tore my cake up when crumbcoating.
Crumbcoat it, let it sit (you can throw it in the fridge for 30 minutes to really get the frosting to set up hard. (yes I have used the phrase HARD and O-FACE in the same post) Then put your finish icing on.
I decided I didn't have time to do much decoration for this one, so I just smoothed it out.
CB's two favorite things. "Fuck Yeah Chocolate Cake" and Yuengling.
Mrs. CB (who said that last week's strawberry cake was the best cake she had ever eaten) said that this cake is by far the best cake she is ever eaten. And she is a hard woman to please. We brought the cake to dinner with a large group of theatre friends, and the amount of "Oh My GOD's" at the table was quite fulfilling. Make this cake, RIGHT NOW. You won't regret it.
CB
Saturday, May 14, 2011
CHOCOLATE CAKE BITCHES!!!!!
Alrighty boys and girls... Been thinking of the next cake, and I reckon I've got sumpin to tickle your taste buds.
Chocolate cake with Oreo filling and white chocolate buttercream.
Settle down. I'm fucking psyched too. But here's the prob. I'm heading to Boston for a few days and when I get back, I start rehearsal for a show. So time is gonna be pretty frickin limited. But, I really want to have this bitch for next weekend. I think it will be a huge success.
Back in a bit.
CB
Chocolate cake with Oreo filling and white chocolate buttercream.
Settle down. I'm fucking psyched too. But here's the prob. I'm heading to Boston for a few days and when I get back, I start rehearsal for a show. So time is gonna be pretty frickin limited. But, I really want to have this bitch for next weekend. I think it will be a huge success.
Back in a bit.
CB
Friday, May 13, 2011
Catastophe fucking averted... SUCCESS!
Whew... what a fucking night.
I decided that since a had a free hour a better take advantage. The kitchen was a disaster, and "Bud" had fought me tooth and nail to get into bed, but you know what. That's how the Cake Bastard rolls.
So the night before, Mrs. CB, knowing what I was working on brought me some BEAUTIFUL looking strawberries. So, I quartered those bitches up and laid em down in the fridge with about a quarter to a half a cup of sugar. Then (and karma is a bitch) Harry & David delivered a box of fucking strawberries as part of our fruit of the month club. FML. Feast or Famine....
So, I microwaved two sticks of butter at 40% power for about 20 seconds to soften and threw those into my stand mixer. I then added about 2 lbs of confectioners sugar and blended at low.
While that was transforming into buttercreamy heaven, I whipped out my tool (immersion blender... what were you thinking?) and pureed up my chilled sugar coating strawberries. I ended up making waaaay too much and chucking over half of it. Anyway.
Before I pureed the shit out the strawberries
After I pureed the shit out of the strawberries
So, I slowly start adding my strawberry puree to the buttercream, and gave it a splash of heavy cream. Okay, I lied. I was checking out Facebook and wasn't paying attention and dosed it pretty good. So, my buttercream was looking a little on the thin side. Fuck me.... so I run to the pantry (keep in mind that Mrs. CB and Swee Pea were still at dance rehearsal) and I discover about 1/4 cup of powdered sugar. So, threw that it. I gave it a little taste, and personally, for me, the flavor just wasn't quite there. Beautiful color, but just not quite "strawberry-y" enough for me. Now keep in mind my buttercream was already on the loose side, and I'm out of sugar. So, I figured I'd break out the extract. I ended up adding about a tablespoon or so, and that brought the flavor right out. Niiiiice.
Right fucking tasty "Strawberry Buttercream"
Now I've got to assemble this bitch. After looking at the broken layer I had and the amount of crumb that I had already, I decided to forgo the torte-ing. So, slapped a dollop of buttercream on the board (covered in aluminum foil), placed my first (broken layer) and spread a layer of frosting. Now I've got this plastic 10 buck icing gun that I bought at Wal-Mart a few months back and filled that up with frosting, and using a simple tip, piped a circle around the outside edge to form a dam for my filling.
Reached into the fridge to grab my strawberry jam.... and I'm out. By this point, I'm probably a full frustrated 45 minutes into this disaster. I got loose cream (I swear that never happens), broken ass cake, and now I got no jelly. Then it hit me. Mom had made some freezer jam that I had been working on. Of course its in the back of the fridge, but it looks like it's gonna be enough to do what we need to do.
So, I open it up and I remember... I don't think Mom used quite enough gelatin or whatever the fuck you use to tighten jam up. This is more like a thick strawberry syrup. But what's our motto bitches? ROLL WITH IT. So, I spread that shit within the dam slapped the second layer on and crumb coated.
At this point I didn't feel like all was fucking lost... please continue...
Into the fridge it went. What the fuck, it's time for a smoke, so I took a break and came back inside to discover...
Icing dripping off the fucking sides.
Uneven layers
Jam running from between the layers fucking bleeding like a stuck pig
fan-fucking-tastic.
BUT, the icing was firming up. I pulled out this monstrosity put it back on the turntable and starting pulling it back together. Smoothing out the buttercream where I could. Adding buttercream where I needed to, that old chestnut. Back in the fridge it went where I said I wouldn't touch it for 30 minutes.
25 minutes later Swamp People had gone off and I decided I'd take a look. No more leaks, no more limp sides... looking pretty good.
Second coat of frosting and back in the fridge for 15 minutes. Pull out (again... will I ever get to finish?!) and it had developed a decent sugar crust and the icing was manageable. Now, to polish cakes, I tend to use a fondant smoother. If the frosting has enough sugar crust, with the fondant smoother I can press down the spatula marks and roll with it. But, I can't find my fucking fondant smoother. So, out the icing spatula and water comes, and after 5 minutes or so of smoothing, it looks decent enough to finish with a little trim around the top and bottom.
TADA.... done. finished.
Don't you fucking DARE tell me I need to use a smaller tip. I know this, but I don't give a shit.
TADA.... cut, tried, and approved. DELICIOUS fucking cake. Probably in all honesty one of the best strawberry cakes I've made. Nice dense layers, sweet filling, and strong flavored strawberry icing. Not to bad for a process that was fucked at the word go.
That is not only good looking, but fucking delicious.
Make it, cook it, frost it, and eat it. Just don't make the same fucking mistakes as I did.
CB
I decided that since a had a free hour a better take advantage. The kitchen was a disaster, and "Bud" had fought me tooth and nail to get into bed, but you know what. That's how the Cake Bastard rolls.
So the night before, Mrs. CB, knowing what I was working on brought me some BEAUTIFUL looking strawberries. So, I quartered those bitches up and laid em down in the fridge with about a quarter to a half a cup of sugar. Then (and karma is a bitch) Harry & David delivered a box of fucking strawberries as part of our fruit of the month club. FML. Feast or Famine....
So, I microwaved two sticks of butter at 40% power for about 20 seconds to soften and threw those into my stand mixer. I then added about 2 lbs of confectioners sugar and blended at low.
While that was transforming into buttercreamy heaven, I whipped out my tool (immersion blender... what were you thinking?) and pureed up my chilled sugar coating strawberries. I ended up making waaaay too much and chucking over half of it. Anyway.
Before I pureed the shit out the strawberries
After I pureed the shit out of the strawberries
So, I slowly start adding my strawberry puree to the buttercream, and gave it a splash of heavy cream. Okay, I lied. I was checking out Facebook and wasn't paying attention and dosed it pretty good. So, my buttercream was looking a little on the thin side. Fuck me.... so I run to the pantry (keep in mind that Mrs. CB and Swee Pea were still at dance rehearsal) and I discover about 1/4 cup of powdered sugar. So, threw that it. I gave it a little taste, and personally, for me, the flavor just wasn't quite there. Beautiful color, but just not quite "strawberry-y" enough for me. Now keep in mind my buttercream was already on the loose side, and I'm out of sugar. So, I figured I'd break out the extract. I ended up adding about a tablespoon or so, and that brought the flavor right out. Niiiiice.
Right fucking tasty "Strawberry Buttercream"
Now I've got to assemble this bitch. After looking at the broken layer I had and the amount of crumb that I had already, I decided to forgo the torte-ing. So, slapped a dollop of buttercream on the board (covered in aluminum foil), placed my first (broken layer) and spread a layer of frosting. Now I've got this plastic 10 buck icing gun that I bought at Wal-Mart a few months back and filled that up with frosting, and using a simple tip, piped a circle around the outside edge to form a dam for my filling.
Reached into the fridge to grab my strawberry jam.... and I'm out. By this point, I'm probably a full frustrated 45 minutes into this disaster. I got loose cream (I swear that never happens), broken ass cake, and now I got no jelly. Then it hit me. Mom had made some freezer jam that I had been working on. Of course its in the back of the fridge, but it looks like it's gonna be enough to do what we need to do.
So, I open it up and I remember... I don't think Mom used quite enough gelatin or whatever the fuck you use to tighten jam up. This is more like a thick strawberry syrup. But what's our motto bitches? ROLL WITH IT. So, I spread that shit within the dam slapped the second layer on and crumb coated.
At this point I didn't feel like all was fucking lost... please continue...
Into the fridge it went. What the fuck, it's time for a smoke, so I took a break and came back inside to discover...
Icing dripping off the fucking sides.
Uneven layers
Jam running from between the layers fucking bleeding like a stuck pig
fan-fucking-tastic.
BUT, the icing was firming up. I pulled out this monstrosity put it back on the turntable and starting pulling it back together. Smoothing out the buttercream where I could. Adding buttercream where I needed to, that old chestnut. Back in the fridge it went where I said I wouldn't touch it for 30 minutes.
25 minutes later Swamp People had gone off and I decided I'd take a look. No more leaks, no more limp sides... looking pretty good.
Second coat of frosting and back in the fridge for 15 minutes. Pull out (again... will I ever get to finish?!) and it had developed a decent sugar crust and the icing was manageable. Now, to polish cakes, I tend to use a fondant smoother. If the frosting has enough sugar crust, with the fondant smoother I can press down the spatula marks and roll with it. But, I can't find my fucking fondant smoother. So, out the icing spatula and water comes, and after 5 minutes or so of smoothing, it looks decent enough to finish with a little trim around the top and bottom.
TADA.... done. finished.
Don't you fucking DARE tell me I need to use a smaller tip. I know this, but I don't give a shit.
TADA.... cut, tried, and approved. DELICIOUS fucking cake. Probably in all honesty one of the best strawberry cakes I've made. Nice dense layers, sweet filling, and strong flavored strawberry icing. Not to bad for a process that was fucked at the word go.
That is not only good looking, but fucking delicious.
Make it, cook it, frost it, and eat it. Just don't make the same fucking mistakes as I did.
CB
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Well, that was interesting
So, pulled my Bitch Puddins out of the oven a few hours ago, let the little bitches cool and sliced. A couple of notes...
-No need for fucking parchment paper. These things don't just pop out of the pan. They GLIDE. Seriously. Beautifully cooked. Took about an hour and fifteen minutes total.
-Pound cake is dense. I didn't think about that. So they didn't soak up as much of the liquid as traditional bread does. The cake swelled up like a tick and the excess liquid settled to the bottom. What this did was make the richest and creamiest bread pudding I've ever had WITH the added bonus of a layer of strawberry flavored custard on the bottom.
Dense rich cake on top, light fluffy custard on the bottom. BLAM BLAM da da da daaaaaa!!!! Bitch Puddin
So, overall, I give this idea 2 thumbs up. I don't reckon I would make a cake specifically to provide an ingredient to Bitch Pudding, but if I had some cake growing old and shit, it's definitely a way to recycle.
-No need for fucking parchment paper. These things don't just pop out of the pan. They GLIDE. Seriously. Beautifully cooked. Took about an hour and fifteen minutes total.
-Pound cake is dense. I didn't think about that. So they didn't soak up as much of the liquid as traditional bread does. The cake swelled up like a tick and the excess liquid settled to the bottom. What this did was make the richest and creamiest bread pudding I've ever had WITH the added bonus of a layer of strawberry flavored custard on the bottom.
Dense rich cake on top, light fluffy custard on the bottom. BLAM BLAM da da da daaaaaa!!!! Bitch Puddin
So, overall, I give this idea 2 thumbs up. I don't reckon I would make a cake specifically to provide an ingredient to Bitch Pudding, but if I had some cake growing old and shit, it's definitely a way to recycle.
Bitch Puddin Ya'll... BLAM
Okay, so if you don't understand the title to this post, take a minute out of your life and watch the following video. As a guy with a puerile sense of humor and as a father of a little girl who loves Strawberry Shortcake videos, this is 100% pure comedy in my eyes.
So, last night was rough. Long day at work, pick up "Lil' Man" from daycare, feed him, feed me, give him a bath, Mrs. CB rolls in with "Swee' Pea" from dance practice, we tag team and I'm off to a meeting (not AA) for the rest of the night. Needless to say, I didn't have time to make any fucking buttercream. BUT, I did have a crazy idea, and I call that idea "da da da DAAAA" Bitch Puddin.
I already shared how I was a dumbass and tried shoving 10 lbs of shit into a 5 pound bag, and had to cut off the tops of my cake (which I reeeeally fucking hate to do). I'm left with about a half gallon ziploc bag of strawberry pound cake crumbs. I thought at the time, what the hell, I'll just send a couple of baggies of this in the kids lunches for the rest of the week. Then it hit me, if it doesn't look like cake, and not covered in icing, there's a real good chance the kids ain't gonna eat it, and that solves nothing. Plus, their teachers might turn me in for child abuse for giving my kids a shit dessert like that.
So, I had an idea. One of my Mom's FAVORITE desserts was bread pudding. A local restaurant makes a BANGIN bread pudding that we would always get and share. I've only made it once before (using some french bread and leftover cinnamon rolls) and it was probably the easiest and one of the tastiest fucking things I've ever made.
So, for your culinary pleasure, put your hands together for "da da da DAAA" Bitch Puddin:
2- fucked up muffin toppish bitches from the top of your cake (or a loaf of pound cake, or any other bread you may have laying around. If you want to use cinnamon rolls and need to top it off with some fucking challah, help yourself)
8 eggs
3 to 3 1/2 cups of milk
2 cups of sugar
flavoring (you can use vanilla, sprinkle with cinnamon, whatever floats your boat. since I'm using a strawberry pound cake as my base, I added about 1 tablespoon of Strawberry extract)
This is one fucking recipe you don't really need a hand mixer. So, using a fork, I beat the eggs, milk, sugar, and flavoring together. Then I broke up the chunks of pound cake into bite size pieces. Then I threw that into the bowl with the custard (oh... and check yourselves assholes. If you are using nearly 4 cups of milk, 2 cups of sugar, 8 eggs, and a pound cake, use the biggest bowl you have), and stir it around to coat the cake.
Then, I sprayed down 3 small loaf pans with Baker's Joy (shortening spray WITH flour, does pretty good most of the time) and poured in the mix. Let those bitches rest like Tupac for about 2 hours in the fridge, then bake in an oven preheated to 350 degrees for about an hour. Allow to cool a bit.
Now you can always make a cream sauce to go with this (cup of brown sugar, stick of butter and 1/2 cup of whipped cream, melted and simmered for about 5 minutes until thickened). As soon as they come out of the oven, I'll let you know if you've got to have something to hide the flavor.
My next post might be about how this was a fucking horrible idea and disregard this whole thing. But I've got high hopes for it.
Later bitches. BLAM BLAM
CB
So, last night was rough. Long day at work, pick up "Lil' Man" from daycare, feed him, feed me, give him a bath, Mrs. CB rolls in with "Swee' Pea" from dance practice, we tag team and I'm off to a meeting (not AA) for the rest of the night. Needless to say, I didn't have time to make any fucking buttercream. BUT, I did have a crazy idea, and I call that idea "da da da DAAAA" Bitch Puddin.
I already shared how I was a dumbass and tried shoving 10 lbs of shit into a 5 pound bag, and had to cut off the tops of my cake (which I reeeeally fucking hate to do). I'm left with about a half gallon ziploc bag of strawberry pound cake crumbs. I thought at the time, what the hell, I'll just send a couple of baggies of this in the kids lunches for the rest of the week. Then it hit me, if it doesn't look like cake, and not covered in icing, there's a real good chance the kids ain't gonna eat it, and that solves nothing. Plus, their teachers might turn me in for child abuse for giving my kids a shit dessert like that.
So, I had an idea. One of my Mom's FAVORITE desserts was bread pudding. A local restaurant makes a BANGIN bread pudding that we would always get and share. I've only made it once before (using some french bread and leftover cinnamon rolls) and it was probably the easiest and one of the tastiest fucking things I've ever made.
So, for your culinary pleasure, put your hands together for "da da da DAAA" Bitch Puddin:
2- fucked up muffin toppish bitches from the top of your cake (or a loaf of pound cake, or any other bread you may have laying around. If you want to use cinnamon rolls and need to top it off with some fucking challah, help yourself)
8 eggs
3 to 3 1/2 cups of milk
2 cups of sugar
flavoring (you can use vanilla, sprinkle with cinnamon, whatever floats your boat. since I'm using a strawberry pound cake as my base, I added about 1 tablespoon of Strawberry extract)
This is one fucking recipe you don't really need a hand mixer. So, using a fork, I beat the eggs, milk, sugar, and flavoring together. Then I broke up the chunks of pound cake into bite size pieces. Then I threw that into the bowl with the custard (oh... and check yourselves assholes. If you are using nearly 4 cups of milk, 2 cups of sugar, 8 eggs, and a pound cake, use the biggest bowl you have), and stir it around to coat the cake.
Then, I sprayed down 3 small loaf pans with Baker's Joy (shortening spray WITH flour, does pretty good most of the time) and poured in the mix. Let those bitches rest like Tupac for about 2 hours in the fridge, then bake in an oven preheated to 350 degrees for about an hour. Allow to cool a bit.
Now you can always make a cream sauce to go with this (cup of brown sugar, stick of butter and 1/2 cup of whipped cream, melted and simmered for about 5 minutes until thickened). As soon as they come out of the oven, I'll let you know if you've got to have something to hide the flavor.
My next post might be about how this was a fucking horrible idea and disregard this whole thing. But I've got high hopes for it.
Later bitches. BLAM BLAM
CB
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Strawberry Pound Cake Recipe.. Print this shit.
Okay boys and girls. Here is your basic recipe. Now, you'll notice that this strawberry pound cake doesn't have actually strawberries in it. You know why? Because, at my house, I had butter, flour, salt, sugar, eggs, cream, and strawberry extract. Do you know what I didn't have? Strawberries. Is this a problem? Fuck no.
2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, softened
3 cups all purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
3 cups sugar
7 large eggs, at room temperature 30 minutes
2 tablespoons of Strawberry Extract
1 cup heavy cream
Put oven rack in middle position, but do not preheat oven. We're going to bake this bitch cold. Or in the words of Bill O'Reilly, we're going to do it LIVE. (NB: The do it live bit is at the end. But it's worth wasting 90 seconds of your life to watch O'Reilly completely lose it.)
Generously butter pan and dust with flour, knocking out excess flour. This is the way you SHOULD do it. I on the other hand normally just spray my pans and put down some parchment paper in the bottom. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Unless you forget the fucking parchment paper (see previous post)
Sift together sifted flour (3 cups) and salt into a bowl. Repeat sifting into another bowl (flour will have been sifted 3 times total). Yeah, I admit, I skip this step. I've got a 4 cup pyrex measure and I put my flour in and throw the salt on top. I can't guarantee that this makes a better or worse cake. I can say it's a whole fucking lot easier, AND alot quicker. And guess what... when people are eating my cake, they don't ask me if I fucking sifted the flour or not.
Beat together butter (2 sticks) and sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium-high speed, about 5 minutes in a stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment or 6 to 8 minutes with a handheld mixer. Trust me, if you are going to be doing alot of baking, invest in a g-damned stand mixer. You'll give yourself fucking carpal tunnel and strip the gears in a wal-mart hand mixer. Oh, and if you don't have any kind of mixer, go home and put yourself to bed. I don't know anyone that makes homemade cakes with a fucking wooden spoon anymore. It's the 21st century and if Google can show me a picture of my dog taking a crap on Google Earth, then you can pony up 10 bucks for a cheap ass hand mixer. Or grow a pair and take your ass to Bed Bath and Beyond and buy yourself a fucking Kitchen-Aid. News Flash folk, the Beyond is their special way of saying they've got kitchen shit.
Add eggs 1 at a time, beating well after each addition, then beat in extract. DO NOT add all of the eggs at once. Why? Because I fucking said so.
Reduce speed to low and add half of flour, then all of cream, then remaining flour, mixing well after each addition. Scrape down side of bowl, then beat at medium-high speed 5 minutes. Batter will become creamier and satiny. Now, pour (or spoon. I don't give a fuck. You can scoop it out with your hands if you need to) the batter into 3 8" pans. Last night, I decided to pour it into two 8" pans. Guess what I got?
Muffin Top City
Spoon batter into pan and rap pan against work surface once or twice to eliminate air bubbles. Place pan in (cold) oven and turn oven temperature to 350°F. Bake until golden and a wooden pick or skewer inserted in middle of cake comes out with a few crumbs adhering, 1 to 1 1/4 hours. (that's 60-75 minutes if you can't do math and use a digital timer. Assholes.)
So, I made the mistake of not using three pans, and just used two. This is what those bitches turned out like.
Cool cake in pan on a rack 30 minutes. Run a thin knife around inner and outer edges of cake, then invert rack over pan and invert cake onto rack to cool completely. If you use your parchment paper and 3 pans, you're gonna make three fucking layers that are going to torte and stack beautifully and make a cake roughly seven feet tall. If you did like me and forgot your fucking protection and tried to cram 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag, you're going to need to cut the tops off and manage broken layers. But buck up kiddos, we're gonna run with this shit. Tonight we're going to make our strawberry buttercream.
Ciao,
CB
2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, softened
3 cups all purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
3 cups sugar
7 large eggs, at room temperature 30 minutes
2 tablespoons of Strawberry Extract
1 cup heavy cream
Put oven rack in middle position, but do not preheat oven. We're going to bake this bitch cold. Or in the words of Bill O'Reilly, we're going to do it LIVE. (NB: The do it live bit is at the end. But it's worth wasting 90 seconds of your life to watch O'Reilly completely lose it.)
Generously butter pan and dust with flour, knocking out excess flour. This is the way you SHOULD do it. I on the other hand normally just spray my pans and put down some parchment paper in the bottom. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Unless you forget the fucking parchment paper (see previous post)
Sift together sifted flour (3 cups) and salt into a bowl. Repeat sifting into another bowl (flour will have been sifted 3 times total). Yeah, I admit, I skip this step. I've got a 4 cup pyrex measure and I put my flour in and throw the salt on top. I can't guarantee that this makes a better or worse cake. I can say it's a whole fucking lot easier, AND alot quicker. And guess what... when people are eating my cake, they don't ask me if I fucking sifted the flour or not.
Beat together butter (2 sticks) and sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium-high speed, about 5 minutes in a stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment or 6 to 8 minutes with a handheld mixer. Trust me, if you are going to be doing alot of baking, invest in a g-damned stand mixer. You'll give yourself fucking carpal tunnel and strip the gears in a wal-mart hand mixer. Oh, and if you don't have any kind of mixer, go home and put yourself to bed. I don't know anyone that makes homemade cakes with a fucking wooden spoon anymore. It's the 21st century and if Google can show me a picture of my dog taking a crap on Google Earth, then you can pony up 10 bucks for a cheap ass hand mixer. Or grow a pair and take your ass to Bed Bath and Beyond and buy yourself a fucking Kitchen-Aid. News Flash folk, the Beyond is their special way of saying they've got kitchen shit.
Add eggs 1 at a time, beating well after each addition, then beat in extract. DO NOT add all of the eggs at once. Why? Because I fucking said so.
Reduce speed to low and add half of flour, then all of cream, then remaining flour, mixing well after each addition. Scrape down side of bowl, then beat at medium-high speed 5 minutes. Batter will become creamier and satiny. Now, pour (or spoon. I don't give a fuck. You can scoop it out with your hands if you need to) the batter into 3 8" pans. Last night, I decided to pour it into two 8" pans. Guess what I got?
Muffin Top City
Spoon batter into pan and rap pan against work surface once or twice to eliminate air bubbles. Place pan in (cold) oven and turn oven temperature to 350°F. Bake until golden and a wooden pick or skewer inserted in middle of cake comes out with a few crumbs adhering, 1 to 1 1/4 hours. (that's 60-75 minutes if you can't do math and use a digital timer. Assholes.)
So, I made the mistake of not using three pans, and just used two. This is what those bitches turned out like.
Cool cake in pan on a rack 30 minutes. Run a thin knife around inner and outer edges of cake, then invert rack over pan and invert cake onto rack to cool completely. If you use your parchment paper and 3 pans, you're gonna make three fucking layers that are going to torte and stack beautifully and make a cake roughly seven feet tall. If you did like me and forgot your fucking protection and tried to cram 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag, you're going to need to cut the tops off and manage broken layers. But buck up kiddos, we're gonna run with this shit. Tonight we're going to make our strawberry buttercream.
Ciao,
CB
Monday, May 9, 2011
Why I'm not the "Cake God" or some shit like that...
Two fucking words: Parchment Paper.
I've been baking cakes for a while, and my world was turned upside down when I discovered by putting a little circle of parchment paper on the bottom of my pan will allow the cake to not fucking stick to the metal. I spray my pans down, throw down my little secret weapon, spray that bitch again and after a hour or so in the oven and a couple hours of cooling, voila! Perfect cake that slides out of the pan slicker than goose shit.
Until tonight.
Maybe it's because I was thinking about this blog. Maybe it's because the kids were going to bed (or not wanting to go to bed), but I forgot my protection. And my friends, I got fucked.
Exhibit A. Broken fucking layer.
So what now?
Well, I'll tell you what. I had a little taste of the cake as I cut the top off (more on this tomorrow) and it's delicious. I mean, REALLY delicious. Like if Gandhi had smelled this cake he would have ended his hunger strike. So, I'm gonna slap some butter cream and stitch this thing back together later. Or, I may carefully try to pull it together without stitching it. It may not be pretty, but as God as my witness we will eat this damn thing and will fight over the last piece.
So, that's why I'm not "Cake God" or some shit like that. I fuck up. (I do it ALL the time, ask Mrs. CB), but you know what, a real cake bastard knows when he fucks up and he picks the pieces up. So, parchment paper, it's like a condom, its there to protect your ass. Use it. If not, you're liable to end up with cake herpes.
CB
I've been baking cakes for a while, and my world was turned upside down when I discovered by putting a little circle of parchment paper on the bottom of my pan will allow the cake to not fucking stick to the metal. I spray my pans down, throw down my little secret weapon, spray that bitch again and after a hour or so in the oven and a couple hours of cooling, voila! Perfect cake that slides out of the pan slicker than goose shit.
Until tonight.
Maybe it's because I was thinking about this blog. Maybe it's because the kids were going to bed (or not wanting to go to bed), but I forgot my protection. And my friends, I got fucked.
Exhibit A. Broken fucking layer.
So what now?
Well, I'll tell you what. I had a little taste of the cake as I cut the top off (more on this tomorrow) and it's delicious. I mean, REALLY delicious. Like if Gandhi had smelled this cake he would have ended his hunger strike. So, I'm gonna slap some butter cream and stitch this thing back together later. Or, I may carefully try to pull it together without stitching it. It may not be pretty, but as God as my witness we will eat this damn thing and will fight over the last piece.
So, that's why I'm not "Cake God" or some shit like that. I fuck up. (I do it ALL the time, ask Mrs. CB), but you know what, a real cake bastard knows when he fucks up and he picks the pieces up. So, parchment paper, it's like a condom, its there to protect your ass. Use it. If not, you're liable to end up with cake herpes.
CB
Welcome from the Cake Bastard! Big fucking deal, right?
Okay, so here goes...
I bake cakes. Not for a living mind you, for fun. I have a small business, two small kids, a great wife, and when I need to fucking relax I pull out some butter, eggs, sugar, and flour, and I bake a cake. Last week, I decided to make a peanut butter and jelly cake, and lemme tell you, that shit was banging, this week, I figured what the fuck, I'm out of cake, may as well do something else. I've got two beautiful layers of strawberry pound cake in 350 degrees as I type this. And I can betcha one g-damned thing. That shits gonna be banging too. Im gonna torte those bitches, filling with strawberry jam and strawberry buttercream, and if that ain't good, then there is seriously something wrong with your taste buds.
So the plan is to try to make a cake every week or so and post the adventures here. I'm doing this shit for fun, and as a way to channel my profanity away from other fucking people. But I'm also busy. I work. I travel. I spend time with my family. I also drink and smoke. Don't bitch and whine if you start reading this and I skip a week or something, no big deal to me, shouldn't be a big deal for you.
So first cake is gonna be a torted strawberry pound with strawberry filling and strawberry buttercream, recipe to come tomorrow. I don't give a fuck what Steve Jobs says, typing on an iPad can be a bitch and if I'm gonna spend the time to share a recipe then I'm gonna fucking need a keyboard that clicks and doesnt have autocorrect.
So welcome to the cake bastard. Enjoy your fucking stay.
CB
I bake cakes. Not for a living mind you, for fun. I have a small business, two small kids, a great wife, and when I need to fucking relax I pull out some butter, eggs, sugar, and flour, and I bake a cake. Last week, I decided to make a peanut butter and jelly cake, and lemme tell you, that shit was banging, this week, I figured what the fuck, I'm out of cake, may as well do something else. I've got two beautiful layers of strawberry pound cake in 350 degrees as I type this. And I can betcha one g-damned thing. That shits gonna be banging too. Im gonna torte those bitches, filling with strawberry jam and strawberry buttercream, and if that ain't good, then there is seriously something wrong with your taste buds.
So the plan is to try to make a cake every week or so and post the adventures here. I'm doing this shit for fun, and as a way to channel my profanity away from other fucking people. But I'm also busy. I work. I travel. I spend time with my family. I also drink and smoke. Don't bitch and whine if you start reading this and I skip a week or something, no big deal to me, shouldn't be a big deal for you.
So first cake is gonna be a torted strawberry pound with strawberry filling and strawberry buttercream, recipe to come tomorrow. I don't give a fuck what Steve Jobs says, typing on an iPad can be a bitch and if I'm gonna spend the time to share a recipe then I'm gonna fucking need a keyboard that clicks and doesnt have autocorrect.
So welcome to the cake bastard. Enjoy your fucking stay.
CB
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